


It Wasn't My Intention

by VicenteValtieri



Series: Mnd Fuckery [9]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Bullying, Internet, Learning English, M/M, Markiplier - Freeform, Marshmallow - Freeform, Memes, YouTube, quotes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 10:33:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13479681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VicenteValtieri/pseuds/VicenteValtieri
Summary: This was supposed to be a 1000 word drabble to make fun of how the Cybertronians used the internet to learn to speak English. It turned into this.This was a drabble trade with GhostHost or gh00sth00st on tumblr - correct me if I'm totally wrong - and I look forward to seeing their part.I'm so sorry, Markiplier, I have dishonored your name.





	It Wasn't My Intention

Day 1: Pure Internet

Earth was a strange and fascinating planet with many languages and dialects. It was only natural to attempt to pick up the dominant language of English. Even Megatron loaded the Rosetta Stone software. Of course, most of the other Decepticons took the easy route and went straight to the internet to find the definitions and usage of the humans’ language.

This was beginning to lead to a miniature civil war among the Decepticons and a great deal of trouble that did not involve Autobots.

“Standeth and deliv'r thee troublesome wretch! Wh're art thee going to causeth ado?” Starscream’s screech filled the corridors, chasing after Rumble and Frenzy.

“LOL! Catch me if you can, N00b!” Rumble shouted over his shoulder.

“You're t% slO 2 catch us, Screamer!”

“English: Improper. Soundwave: Taught you better.” The TIC quietly disapproved of the running mechs.

Megatron stomped through the halls listening to the chaos as his warriors tried to speak to each other in Earth’s native language. Was he the only one who had used an official, modern translator to learn English? 

“Starscream!” He barked. “What are you saying?”

“Mighty Megatron, you blast-head’d fiend, I parley in the Queen's Language.”

“…I’m going to look what you just said up and if any of it’s an insult, you’d best be hiding when I come after you.” Megatron growled.

“Such threat. Much power. Screamer run.” Skywarp appeared at the SIC’s shoulder and spouted at him before vanishing again. Starscream took his advice and vanished in a blurr of silver and red.

“Odd, his ability to do that is.” Scrapper commented on the Seeker’s sudden disappearance. “How think you he does it, Knock Out?”

“Dammit, Scrapper! I’m a doctor, not a Theoretical Analyst!” Knock Out shook a fist at the leader of the Constructicons.

“Your argument, doctor, is strewn with gaping holes in logic.” Breakdown patted Knock Out’s shoulder.

“Yo! Nobody on dahs fraggahng shahp makes ay sense! Ya'll is mad stupid!” Swindle bellowed at them.

“…What did you say?” Megatron shot a bewildered stare at the blackmarketeer.

“Ah said-!” Swindle was suddenly grabbed from behind by Vortex.

“Like, pipe down, Swin. You’re going to, like, totally get us all in major trouble!” Vortex dragged him off towards their quarters.

“…I’m going to lie down.” Megatron told Soundwave. “You’re in charge. And make everyone go online, find videos of actual humans, and see how they speak.”

“And his name is JOHN CENA!” The tape deck played triumphantly at the other Decepticons. 

Megatron groaned and retreated to berth.

 

Day 2: Youtube

Megatron woke first and went to the common room for a cube of energon. The moment he entered, Onslaught approached, pointed at his pedes, and shouted at the top of his voice. “WHAT ARE THOOOSSE?”

“…My pedes?” Megatron questioned, bewildered. 

“Nyan-nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan- nyan…” Ravage raced by Megatron’s legs and out the door.

Skywarp materialized in front of Thundercracker. “Surprise, Motherf*****.”

Thundercracker spat his mouthful of energon out over Skywarp.

“Where is my super suit?” Breakdown bellowed.

“I put it away!” Knock Out screamed right back.

Megatron went and grabbed a cube of energon. They were saying weird things, but at least he could understand everything that was said.

“Top of the morning to you, laddies!” Flatline yelled over at Soundwave.

Soundwave responded. “Hey, guys!”

But the crowning achievement was when Starscream bounced into the room with a big smile on his faceplates, waved vigorously with his right servo, and declared. “Hi, Everybody!”

Megatron turned to Soundwave. “...I’m going back to berth. Have them do a little more research.”

Day 3: More Youtube

Starscream walked onto the deck with an even bigger smile on his face and presented Megatron with a fluffy quilt. “Happy Creation Anniversary, Megatron!”

“…Soundwave!” Megatron bellowed for his TIC.

Day 4: Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter

“OMG, Rumble! Why didn’t you friend me? I just sent you the request!” Frenzy whined at his brother.

“Sorry, bro, I had to post this picture of ‘Screamer’s sweet energon cookies to my Instagram wall.” Rumble explained. “I’ll friend you right now.”

“I can’t take a picture, Breakdown, I’m hideous!” Knock Out whined as his conjux lifted the camera. “I have to go polish so we can post this on our facebook wall!”

Breakdown’s notifications chirped. “Oh, look, Ravage posted a picture of Rumble eating Starscream’s cookies. #BEHINDSCREAMERSBACK.”

“Heh. That Rumble… Uh, oh, look at this one.” Knock Out scrolled up as another update came through. “#BUSTED.” Starscream had turned around from the oven and caught the misbehaving casseticon.

Another chirp rang out. “Umm… Screamer was totally cool with it and said to make sure to leave enough for the other cassettes. #BESTBABYSITTEREVER.”

“…You know, I think this planet is changing Screamer as a person.” Knock Out told Breakdown.

“I think it’s because he plugs into the internet and learns while he’s asleep.” Breakdown reminded his conjux. “You know that can be risky.”

“#MOSTDELICIOUSCOOKIERECIPE and a link.” Knock Out read another tweet and followed it to Instagram. “I think I like the new ‘Screamer.”

“He’s certainly less of a downer now.”

Day 5: Battlefield Changes

A battle was always barely-controlled chaos, but today that chaos was on the Decepticon’s side. 

“I got a grenade!” Starscream howled, chasing after Wheeljack with said Grenade in hand.

Skywarp had had the idea to bring paintballs to the fight and was mercilessly peppering a whining and retreating Sunstreaker. 

“Holy – Where did you have that?” Onslaught questioned Thundercracker as the Seeker took a knee with a massive bazooka over one shoulder.

“Tagged you! And you! And you!” Vortex was running about like a madmech with a knife, tagging people trying to snipe him. “Ha! N00bs!”

Swindle was backed into a crevice by Ironhide and Prowl and was making jabbing motions with his fists. “I’m like a wild animal when I get cornered! I’ll punch you straight in the Gabba! Swear on me mum!”

Hook shrieked. “YOU CAN’T SEE THIS!” And pwned Mirage from behind. The sneaky spy hadn’t realized that there was mud on his back. 

Rumble bellowed. “To me brethren! This is where we fight!” Right before he and all five of the other Cassettes leapt on Ultra Magnus and proceeded to put him on the ground and jump on him.

“Set ‘em up and knock ‘em down!” Bluestreak muttered as he tried to line up a shot on Scrapper.

“Heroes never die!” Flatline smashed the sniper’s head against a rock. “Level up!”

Soundwave was chasing Jazz, blasting the earrape remix of the Seinfeld theme straight into the saboteur’s audials.

Bumblebee and Cliffjumper cowered in a crevice, trying not to be stomped by many stronger mechs who were performing an oddly effective version of the Electric Slide to defend themselves against the attacks of the aerialbots.

Optimus Prime and Megatron were the only ones who were actually focusing on the fight and moving as normal. At last, the Prime clipped Megatron a good one on the chin and set him tumbling. However, instead of retreating as he expected, he found himself bombarded by a sudden rush of Decepticons – led by Starscream who was screaming at the top of his voice – “MANY HANDS CAN TOPPLE A MOUNTAIN!”

It was at this point, Optimus knew, he fricked up. 

The Decepticons buried the Prime and he barely escaped with his life.

“We’re #1! We’re #1! We’re #1! We’re #1! We’re #1! We’re #1!” Rumble and Frenzy chanted as the Decepticons gathered up unconscious Autobots to take prisoner.

Day 6: Inspirational Quotes

Needless to say, when Megatron came around and saw that his army had won a crushing victory against the Autobots and had most of High Command and their heavy-hitters in the brig, he was unhappy.

It was a victory for STARSCREAM of all mechs. Starscream! His screw-up, treacherous, scape-goat that he had expected to be able to happily pummel after what should have been a disastrous encounter was a hero! The mech who had charged Optimus Prime! Granted that they all had charged Optimus Prime, but Starscream had been first and had a cracked optic to prove it!

He had to get the Seeker in private, so while the others were celebrating – and many of Starscream’s homemade cookies and treats were consumed – Megatron pulled his Second aside and took him down to the brig. Every cell was filled with one or two Autobots who were all glaring at Starscream and Megatron as the tyrant locked the main door. Almost everyone of the Autobots had cat whiskers or a mustache drawn on their faces while they had been unconscious. 

“What did you need to discuss, Megatron?” Starscream questioned, seeming oddly innocent. He had been oddly innocent ever since Megatron had ordered the Decepticons to familiarize themselves with Earth. This, of course, gave Megatron the perfect excuse.

“I know what you’re up to.” Megatron growled, putting a servo on Starscream’s cockpit and pushing him.

“I- I don’t know what you mean.” He regained his balance. “I’ve been performing my duties to –“

“You are attempting to undermine me with the men.” Megatron pushed him again, forcing him to stumble back. “You think that leading them to a few, petty victories will allow you to turn them against me? HA!” He drew back his servo and punched the Seeker across the faceplates, sending him flying. “You don’t know what leadership is.” He stomped on Starscream’s wing, grinding it into the floor and delighting in his screech. “You think you can overthrow me? You can’t even protect yourself.”

Starscream slumped against a wall, helm swimming, as Megatron turned away. “Drag your worthless chassis to medbay and have Knock Out put you back together. Our work isn’t done.”

The Autobots were silent and glaring at the tyrant, infuriated by the outburst of undeserved cruelty. 

Starscream’s processor picked together words, fragmented and fractured, words that he had not spoken or heard spoken, but their truth resonated with him. His servos clenched, claws scraping against the walls with a loud screech. “…There is a difference between giving up and deciding you’ve had enough.” He whispered.

“What was that?” Megatron turned back towards him slightly.

“…People throw rocks… at things that shine.” Starscream raised himself slightly off the ground with a groan of effort and pitching himself to his pedes.

“Stop that!” Megatron hissed suddenly, realizing that he was losing control of the situation.

“…You never look good… Trying to make someone else look bad.” The Seeker raised trembling limbs and his weapons all primed at once.

“Are you insane?!” Megatron raised his fusion cannon and charged it as well, but the Seeker had the jump.

“Pulling someone down never helps you reach the top.” Starscream gasped out and unloaded every ounce of ammunition he had in his weapons into Megatron’s chassis directly. “Fire in the hole.”

There was a moment of tense, stunned silence as the warlord collapsed and the Autobots sheltered themselves under the brig’s berths. The wheeze of occluded vents was the only noise as Starscream’s venting began to stutter. 

Optimus Prime came to the front of his cell and peered at the fallen figure of his enemy. Starscream looked down at Megatron and raised a pede, grinding the tyrant’s face in and smashing his processor. “…Megatron has fallen… I, Starscream, am leader of the Decepticons now?” He said it like a question, as if the victory felt hollow and dead. 

Optimus stared at Starscream as the Seeker staggered over to his cell. “…What are you doing?”

Starscream typed his override code into the panel and pressed the switch to open the gate. As the laser bars slid away, he quoted softly, “He who is at war with others is not at peace with himself.” And offered a servo to Optimus to shake.


End file.
